This has been hard...to write I mean. I've been feeling invalidated...by whites and also by people of color. By people either telling me that what I see is in my head, or invalidating my experiences by homogenizing it as experiences of all people of color. I lost my voice, even forgot what it once sounded like.
So for months I've sat here looking at this blog, trying to write something worthwhile and felt I had nothing to contribute. Then today I woke up and felt something radiate inside me...ANGER. My inner voice wanting to say nothing more than FUCK YOU to those voices I've internalized over a life time. I am what I am and I do not need you to define me, solve me or tell me how to be. And if I contradict myself, so be it... it is inevitable! I will no longer live in fear!
So, this is want I have to contribute at this moment... the mess, sadness, anger, loneliness, frustration and the powerlessness I feel. I refuse to hide it away like some sorry secret. This is how the world I live in has written me at the moment and this is as real as it gets.
- theothergrlnxtdoor
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
the other thing about tokenism....
yes, i understand that the title of my paper at this graduate student conference is "provocative" and is is about intimacy and sex, but, hello, i'm describing the united states and how they maintained a foothold in their overseas empire. yes, i am talking about "inappropriate" things, but imperialism is inappropriate, period. you white guys don't need to go around the conference dinner looking for the girl who is giving the "nasty" talk and congratulating her for having the "nasty" title, and telling her how you are all looking so much forward to it. this shouldn't make me rethink my entire paper presentation because i don't want to "perform" for your lusty desires and whatever it is you think my paper is going to be about, but as a woman of color presenting on the subject of imperialism in a developing nation, this is what i am now thinking about. and i am also now thinking about not going to my panel, so you don't have the opportunity to hear the "nasty" girl give her "sexy" talk. but instead, i think i will change my paper a little, and preface it by calling you assholes out, and relating how people like you are the continuing legacy of empire and sexual exploitation that continue to plague my motherland. really, what it comes down to is that i have a smarter title than you, and that you are acting like you are 12. and you are racist. and sexist.
assholes better recognize.
desertDIVA
assholes better recognize.
desertDIVA
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Mom: you know...they're all white.
My mom works for a Korean Am non-profit. Recently, she asked me to help her apply for a scholarship for a leadership training program for senior citizens. The program is really expensive...$800 and the scholarship would cover 1/2. So she applied and got the scholarship (yay!) and got her executive director to agree to pay for the rest.
So I called my mom today and here's a snippet from our conversation:
Mom: I had the first meeting for the leadership program and you know...they are all white. I was so shocked.
Me: Oh really? I guess I'm not that surprised...
Mom: I was so surprised. The email about the program went to all the ethnic non-profits. I dont know why i was the only one...
Me: Are most of the other people retired?
Mom: I think most are retired but some are working. I think mainstream. They're all business owners, lawyers, a lot of teachers. you know, i was so discouraged.
Me: aww, mom...don't be discouraged...
Mom: I was next to this white man and he was a lawyer and a business person and he didn't know we had reading before first class so i let him look at mine. it was six pages? no, six pages total so over ten pages. you know, i was so shocked...he turned the pages and then he was done. i ask him did he read all of it? and he said, yes. *gasp* how did he read so fast? He said he know how to speed read. As lawyer, if you dont speed read you never finish. i was so discouraged. I don't know if I can survive...we have to read whole books and do self insight.
Me: What kind of books?
Mom: I think self help books. I thought the program will have mainly people who are still working in mainstream organization so i can network. I don't know if this is really helping me?
Me: (thinking to myself: crap, i'm probably have to read a bunch of self-help books and summarize them...)
Well, one reason why you're probably the only person in non-profit and especially from an ethnic non-profit is that most people don't have the resources to go to a leadership training program like this one. Especially if it costs $800. But since you're not paying for it, maybe it's worth seeing how it goes. Don't let it stress you out too much...get what you can get out of it but it shouldn't be adding stress to your life. Who knows, maybe someone you meet will be a good resource for you in the future.
Mom: I don't think I can refund now. At least it is only once a month...I think I'm gonna get teacher to volunteer to teach ESL class. (laughs) But I have to do final project at end so I don't know what to do.
Me: Turn something you have to do at work into your final project. Don't make more work for yourself...
The thought of my mom trying to read and analyze the same books as a bunch of wealthy white retired folks makes me cringe. When my mom comes to me with a problem or an issue she's facing, I typically try to re-frame the issue...but this time...I had a really hard time doing so. My mom never fails to amaze me and she's one of the most couragous women i know, but this is a very unfamiliar, uncomfortable space for her because of her language barrier, especially when it comes to reading. It's also really messed up that a leadership program is $800. My mom's non-profit paid for 1/2 of it because, well, my mom pretty much runs the place so they'd be stupid to not pay for the other half, but in general, i highly doubt any community non-profit in this economy has the resources to pay $400 for leadership training. It makes me doubt whether my mom will even learn anything that can be applied to her own work because as I've learned through my experiences in community non-profits, a white model of leadership isnt really how things work. She'll probably become their token person of color and exploit her image so they can project themselves as a progressive, multicultural leadership training program to gain legitimacy.
Ugh.
So I called my mom today and here's a snippet from our conversation:
Mom: I had the first meeting for the leadership program and you know...they are all white. I was so shocked.
Me: Oh really? I guess I'm not that surprised...
Mom: I was so surprised. The email about the program went to all the ethnic non-profits. I dont know why i was the only one...
Me: Are most of the other people retired?
Mom: I think most are retired but some are working. I think mainstream. They're all business owners, lawyers, a lot of teachers. you know, i was so discouraged.
Me: aww, mom...don't be discouraged...
Mom: I was next to this white man and he was a lawyer and a business person and he didn't know we had reading before first class so i let him look at mine. it was six pages? no, six pages total so over ten pages. you know, i was so shocked...he turned the pages and then he was done. i ask him did he read all of it? and he said, yes. *gasp* how did he read so fast? He said he know how to speed read. As lawyer, if you dont speed read you never finish. i was so discouraged. I don't know if I can survive...we have to read whole books and do self insight.
Me: What kind of books?
Mom: I think self help books. I thought the program will have mainly people who are still working in mainstream organization so i can network. I don't know if this is really helping me?
Me: (thinking to myself: crap, i'm probably have to read a bunch of self-help books and summarize them...)
Well, one reason why you're probably the only person in non-profit and especially from an ethnic non-profit is that most people don't have the resources to go to a leadership training program like this one. Especially if it costs $800. But since you're not paying for it, maybe it's worth seeing how it goes. Don't let it stress you out too much...get what you can get out of it but it shouldn't be adding stress to your life. Who knows, maybe someone you meet will be a good resource for you in the future.
Mom: I don't think I can refund now. At least it is only once a month...I think I'm gonna get teacher to volunteer to teach ESL class. (laughs) But I have to do final project at end so I don't know what to do.
Me: Turn something you have to do at work into your final project. Don't make more work for yourself...
The thought of my mom trying to read and analyze the same books as a bunch of wealthy white retired folks makes me cringe. When my mom comes to me with a problem or an issue she's facing, I typically try to re-frame the issue...but this time...I had a really hard time doing so. My mom never fails to amaze me and she's one of the most couragous women i know, but this is a very unfamiliar, uncomfortable space for her because of her language barrier, especially when it comes to reading. It's also really messed up that a leadership program is $800. My mom's non-profit paid for 1/2 of it because, well, my mom pretty much runs the place so they'd be stupid to not pay for the other half, but in general, i highly doubt any community non-profit in this economy has the resources to pay $400 for leadership training. It makes me doubt whether my mom will even learn anything that can be applied to her own work because as I've learned through my experiences in community non-profits, a white model of leadership isnt really how things work. She'll probably become their token person of color and exploit her image so they can project themselves as a progressive, multicultural leadership training program to gain legitimacy.
Ugh.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
sinfully delicious
I'm not a big on celebrities..desertDIVA is the one to go to for pop culture and celebrity gossip...but when it comes to Daniel Henney, my heart starts to race.
Yes, he's a very problematic type of hotness, but *sigh*, but we're all allowed to have guilty pleasures, right???
And he has a new tv show called 3 rivers...check out his message to his fans
And he has a spread on koream journal's online journal...
yeah...did i mention he was hot?
-XXunbound
Yes, he's a very problematic type of hotness, but *sigh*, but we're all allowed to have guilty pleasures, right???
And he has a new tv show called 3 rivers...check out his message to his fans
And he has a spread on koream journal's online journal...
yeah...did i mention he was hot?
-XXunbound
Friday, October 9, 2009
a night in
SCENE:
libralady and desertDIVA doing work / watching hellboy II.
desertDIVA: i like the villain character, i mean, i identify with his struggle, even though his approach may be flawed, i like his ideals. and he's hot.
libralady:yeah...i'd hit it...and in comparison to whats here...
desertDIVA: yeah, i think he'd at LEAST be a socialist.
libralady and desertDIVA doing work / watching hellboy II.
desertDIVA: i like the villain character, i mean, i identify with his struggle, even though his approach may be flawed, i like his ideals. and he's hot.
libralady:yeah...i'd hit it...and in comparison to whats here...
desertDIVA: yeah, i think he'd at LEAST be a socialist.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Staceyann Chin
For those who do not know Staceyann Chin.. she is simply amazing. Check out this video..
the POWER of LANGUAGE
So last week as I sat in a meeting, I had the most interesting exchange with a fellow woman of color. When discussing terminology for an event that we were planning, the topic of "student of color" vs. "minority" came to the table. This woman (who I have nothing against)kept using the term "minorities" when describing a certain population that we were hoping to target. After the third time she used it, I couldn't help myself but counter her language by using the term "students/people/women of color." After a couple of times, she caught on.
When she asked why I didn't use minority, I simply said that I personally disliked the words minority and minorities because of their clear relationship with political disenfranchisement, negative connotations, government oppression, etc, etc... Rather the terms student/person/women "of color" is a more positive term that highlights collectiveness, community, and political/personal agency. She sat there stunned. After a couple moments of silence, she replied "Wow". I have never thought about that... and I can see your point. I'm going to start referring to student/person/women of color from now on." Yah for small victories.
But the story doesn't stop there... Literally as a the meeting continued, this same woman asked me what the term Chicana meant. She stated "I've taken Spanish so I know a word ending in an "a" is female... so is Chicana just a female version of chica with an extra "na" at the end of it?" WRONG.
Please don't assume the meanings of words. Words have power, weight, history, privilege, and force. The word Chicana may just mean chica with an extra "na" at the end of it, but for me Chicana means identity, political awareness, family, community, struggle, and independence. I understand that we throw around these terms very freely in the academy and not everyone is on the same page. Yet, assuming meanings can hurt and offend just as much as being a racist.
Just like the difference between "of color" and minority, we need to help each other self educate and educate each other. And also, "colored students" is not the same thing as student of color! We are all in this struggle together and are each others comrades.
When she asked why I didn't use minority, I simply said that I personally disliked the words minority and minorities because of their clear relationship with political disenfranchisement, negative connotations, government oppression, etc, etc... Rather the terms student/person/women "of color" is a more positive term that highlights collectiveness, community, and political/personal agency. She sat there stunned. After a couple moments of silence, she replied "Wow". I have never thought about that... and I can see your point. I'm going to start referring to student/person/women of color from now on." Yah for small victories.
But the story doesn't stop there... Literally as a the meeting continued, this same woman asked me what the term Chicana meant. She stated "I've taken Spanish so I know a word ending in an "a" is female... so is Chicana just a female version of chica with an extra "na" at the end of it?" WRONG.
Please don't assume the meanings of words. Words have power, weight, history, privilege, and force. The word Chicana may just mean chica with an extra "na" at the end of it, but for me Chicana means identity, political awareness, family, community, struggle, and independence. I understand that we throw around these terms very freely in the academy and not everyone is on the same page. Yet, assuming meanings can hurt and offend just as much as being a racist.
Just like the difference between "of color" and minority, we need to help each other self educate and educate each other. And also, "colored students" is not the same thing as student of color! We are all in this struggle together and are each others comrades.
Monday, October 5, 2009
WHATEVA!!!
This is maybe the cutest video I've ever seen. If I were that little, I'd wanna be friends with her.
Video
Video
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Drunken Words are Sober Thoughts
A FIERCE woman in solidarity submitted this to us from the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign campus, detailing some racist things that happened to her and her friends at her own alma mater...CHECK IT OUT!
Have more stories like these? Email us!
abstinenceinthecornfields@gmail.com
Have more stories like these? Email us!
abstinenceinthecornfields@gmail.com
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