Knowledge and Value

This was sent to me from another fierce WOC graduate student. Her email shows yet again how hard it is to 1. be in the academy 2. change the academy 3. sustain ambition to work within its constructs (the academy). We have to voice our frustrations and not isolate ourselves..... in numbers we grow stronger.

She states: "Hope you are well, my cognate class (on law and race) is painfully horrible! yesterday we were supposed to have our only in class test. He hadn't printed the tests out before class started, so he sent them to the faculty printer, and somehow they got lost, he told us to "not talk while he was out of the classroom" like we were 5th graders or something, I asked the class if they had put in complaints about him before and the consensus was that they and others have but nothing gets done, I think it is true about U of M's treatment of athletes, (who are almost all African American) even the school newspaper has some scathing comments about athletic/personal performance of individual athletes etc.

I am also feeling a little frustrated because there was an incident during a critique, where I was shut down and ignored, and no one jumped in. basically a white student is doing a painting using images of black subjects, to in her words"provoke a conversation about race and gender" last critique I urged her to use caution when comparing Hip Hop's role of women to that of Enslaved black women, during the antebellum and the Middle Passage, I offered myslef as a resource because of my studies on this history and the images from them, (as I had said there were not many photographs available) then I was cut off my a gentleman who said he was hired by Northwestern to archive slavery photographs on a library website. (it turned out these were photographs of Africans NOT African Americans, good try mister, both Black but NOT the same).. so at this last critique the conversation was of course more formal, like color composition etc. then I kept trying to bring the conversation back to race, and bluntly asked her what her point of view was she said it was to provoke a conversation (w/ I was trying to have a conversation, no?) then turned her attention to someone else, she was obviously uncomfortable about my confrontations, and was trying to move the group onto a different painting with benign subject matter. I asked her why she was using visual references of anthropological drawings of the African Slave trade and the journey to the West coast of Africa, I asked her if she was trying to talk about the invention or the convention of race, this time she completely disregarded and ignored my question and turned to the (white) guy next to me and said "didn't you have a question?".. not one of my liberal classmates or Professor said a word, so not only was my scholarship on this subject disregarded, but my own experience as a WOC and as a WOC artist who works on race. I cant wait for the break."

Stay strong!!! Yours in solidarity: libralady

Booze, Blunts, and Bloodsuckers

Just have to say that I am very excited for tonight's activities. Will bring pie for the munchies. Even fierce women of color need herbal remedies.

Life's Ups and Downs

I've taken a break from this blog, which I now realize was a mistake. This space is so critical for all of us to voice our frustrations, hopes, desires, worries, and fears. The last couple of weeks have been tremendously hard; whether in regards to school, work, or love. However, we (I) are soldiers and keep on trooping through the misty unknown that is the future. The one major issue that has been on my mind is compromise-- When do we pick our battles and when do you stay silent. When do we disrupt something good for a perceived something better... do we take the risk, or play it safe? When do you know that you have a good thing, or when you should revert to something from the past that end up bad... or good? These have been the questions plaguing my mind. I am very thankful for what I have now: great friends, family, work situations, adviser, and of course, partner. Yet, I still feel no happiness, no consistent butterflies. But this is just the beginning.... will it improve over time? God I hope so. Please strength do not leave my side, I need you more than ever.

the ugly funk

This has been hard...to write I mean. I've been feeling invalidated...by whites and also by people of color. By people either telling me that what I see is in my head, or invalidating my experiences by homogenizing it as experiences of all people of color. I lost my voice, even forgot what it once sounded like.
So for months I've sat here looking at this blog, trying to write something worthwhile and felt I had nothing to contribute. Then today I woke up and felt something radiate inside me...ANGER. My inner voice wanting to say nothing more than FUCK YOU to those voices I've internalized over a life time. I am what I am and I do not need you to define me, solve me or tell me how to be. And if I contradict myself, so be it... it is inevitable! I will no longer live in fear!
So, this is want I have to contribute at this moment... the mess, sadness, anger, loneliness, frustration and the powerlessness I feel. I refuse to hide it away like some sorry secret. This is how the world I live in has written me at the moment and this is as real as it gets.

- theothergrlnxtdoor

the other thing about tokenism....

yes, i understand that the title of my paper at this graduate student conference is "provocative" and is is about intimacy and sex, but, hello, i'm describing the united states and how they maintained a foothold in their overseas empire. yes, i am talking about "inappropriate" things, but imperialism is inappropriate, period. you white guys don't need to go around the conference dinner looking for the girl who is giving the "nasty" talk and congratulating her for having the "nasty" title, and telling her how you are all looking so much forward to it. this shouldn't make me rethink my entire paper presentation because i don't want to "perform" for your lusty desires and whatever it is you think my paper is going to be about, but as a woman of color presenting on the subject of imperialism in a developing nation, this is what i am now thinking about. and i am also now thinking about not going to my panel, so you don't have the opportunity to hear the "nasty" girl give her "sexy" talk. but instead, i think i will change my paper a little, and preface it by calling you assholes out, and relating how people like you are the continuing legacy of empire and sexual exploitation that continue to plague my motherland. really, what it comes down to is that i have a smarter title than you, and that you are acting like you are 12. and you are racist. and sexist.
assholes better recognize.
desertDIVA

Mom: you know...they're all white.

My mom works for a Korean Am non-profit. Recently, she asked me to help her apply for a scholarship for a leadership training program for senior citizens. The program is really expensive...$800 and the scholarship would cover 1/2. So she applied and got the scholarship (yay!) and got her executive director to agree to pay for the rest.

So I called my mom today and here's a snippet from our conversation:

Mom: I had the first meeting for the leadership program and you know...they are all white. I was so shocked.

Me: Oh really? I guess I'm not that surprised...

Mom: I was so surprised. The email about the program went to all the ethnic non-profits. I dont know why i was the only one...

Me: Are most of the other people retired?

Mom: I think most are retired but some are working. I think mainstream. They're all business owners, lawyers, a lot of teachers. you know, i was so discouraged.

Me: aww, mom...don't be discouraged...

Mom: I was next to this white man and he was a lawyer and a business person and he didn't know we had reading before first class so i let him look at mine. it was six pages? no, six pages total so over ten pages. you know, i was so shocked...he turned the pages and then he was done. i ask him did he read all of it? and he said, yes. *gasp* how did he read so fast? He said he know how to speed read. As lawyer, if you dont speed read you never finish. i was so discouraged. I don't know if I can survive...we have to read whole books and do self insight.

Me: What kind of books?

Mom: I think self help books. I thought the program will have mainly people who are still working in mainstream organization so i can network. I don't know if this is really helping me?

Me: (thinking to myself: crap, i'm probably have to read a bunch of self-help books and summarize them...)
Well, one reason why you're probably the only person in non-profit and especially from an ethnic non-profit is that most people don't have the resources to go to a leadership training program like this one. Especially if it costs $800. But since you're not paying for it, maybe it's worth seeing how it goes. Don't let it stress you out too much...get what you can get out of it but it shouldn't be adding stress to your life. Who knows, maybe someone you meet will be a good resource for you in the future.

Mom: I don't think I can refund now. At least it is only once a month...I think I'm gonna get teacher to volunteer to teach ESL class. (laughs) But I have to do final project at end so I don't know what to do.

Me: Turn something you have to do at work into your final project. Don't make more work for yourself...


The thought of my mom trying to read and analyze the same books as a bunch of wealthy white retired folks makes me cringe. When my mom comes to me with a problem or an issue she's facing, I typically try to re-frame the issue...but this time...I had a really hard time doing so. My mom never fails to amaze me and she's one of the most couragous women i know, but this is a very unfamiliar, uncomfortable space for her because of her language barrier, especially when it comes to reading. It's also really messed up that a leadership program is $800. My mom's non-profit paid for 1/2 of it because, well, my mom pretty much runs the place so they'd be stupid to not pay for the other half, but in general, i highly doubt any community non-profit in this economy has the resources to pay $400 for leadership training. It makes me doubt whether my mom will even learn anything that can be applied to her own work because as I've learned through my experiences in community non-profits, a white model of leadership isnt really how things work. She'll probably become their token person of color and exploit her image so they can project themselves as a progressive, multicultural leadership training program to gain legitimacy.

Ugh.

sinfully delicious

I'm not a big on celebrities..desertDIVA is the one to go to for pop culture and celebrity gossip...but when it comes to Daniel Henney, my heart starts to race.

Yes, he's a very problematic type of hotness, but *sigh*, but we're all allowed to have guilty pleasures, right???

And he has a new tv show called 3 rivers...check out his message to his fans

And he has a spread on koream journal's online journal...


yeah...did i mention he was hot?


-XXunbound