An Open Letter...

As a woman of color, we face many battles on a daily basis. Whether it is coming under fire in the classroom, made spokesperson for all women of color in academia, being harassed on the street, or seen as sexually available and exotic, the one arena that always seems to plague us is our love life. Already in academia, we are a pretty isolated population and thus, finding partners can be quiet difficult. Trying to find a partner that “gets it” and says they are as equally radical, progressive, supportive, ambitious, driven, creative (the list goes on….) is damn near impossible. As a result, we have learned to “date-down” and to lower the standards. LADIES, we should not have to do this!!! We are amazing and deserve a lover/partner/friend that acts as an equal, but in order to do this we will experience lemons.

This is an open letter to myself about a former lover of mine—a man who I thought was an equal: a progressive man of color. Needless to say, he didn’t walk the talk, and I learned the hard way (multiple breakups/hookups), false promises, attempts to be friends and colleagues, etc... But at the end of the day, the very long day, I finally got it and realized I/we deserve better…

To me,

What I have come to understand and accept is that “G” is selfish and immature. Out of the many kind things I have done from the bottom of my heart, how many times has he returned the favor? How many times has “G” made me feel like a woman—like a respected woman? Rarely, if ever. I can count on one hand how many times he has paid for the entire bill or purchased anything for me.

And here I stand, meeting two male friends who have shown me more respect in the last couple of weeks than he has in years.

I deserve someone who allows me to love and to show them love. I do not need to play games and have drama in order to feel listened to or cared for. That is not me. I need to acknowledge how he has disrupted and warped my sense of romance. In do not seek control over his life, only straight communication which he cannot and does not offer. I am not a doll that can be picked up and played with whenever HE wants. I am a human, a woman, a giver, a lover, an equal.

“G” is bad for me and I need to accept the fact that I need distance from him in order to be emotionally healthy. While this will be hard, I know that for my professional and personal life to blossom—this is what HAS to be done. I cannot nor should try to contact him just for the hell of it. If he wants to contact me than he can, but still remember to be cautious.

Maybe one day “G”will realize what he has/had in front of him. Until that day, I should not focus my love and attention on an unrealistic aspiration.

While it is difficult being a woman of color, and more importantly a woman of color in a primarily white spatial construction, it is better to be alone and happy than together and miserable.

The sex is just not worth it.

Signed,
libralady